i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
