I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
