Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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