i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
