Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
