If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
