Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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