For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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