i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
