Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
it's like heaven, but drunker
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
