mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
