Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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