I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
