There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
