my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
