I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Operation Purity has been aborted
33 Sex Crazed People That Are Going Balls Deep
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
21 Family Members Confess The Creepiest Things They Know About a Relative
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"