Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.