I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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