Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
