She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
