one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
