I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
