Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
