yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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