I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
