I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
