he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
