if you like me you must not know who I am
I intend to get homeless drunk
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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