We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
