How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
