btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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