She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
