Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
