put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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