i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
