They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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