John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
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