I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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