Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
