I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize