Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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