I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
