just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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