I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
