i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
