You just made me feel so damn special
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
