He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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