i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
