fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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