hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
