While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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