his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
