Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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