I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
