My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
