Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
