Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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