It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
