Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
