recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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