One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
