Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
